The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

I love Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year. I love the magic, and the glow that everything has, and that for one small 

part of the year, people are willing to give and to create joy for others. But here it is, two weeks before Christmas, I'm not feeling it. 

I'm not ready. 

I have looked within myself to find that inner child who glories in the lights and the songs and the giving and you know what? 

She seems to be sleeping. Or maybe she wandered off.

I don't know quite why it is, but I am just not thrilled for Christmas. The house isn't decorated yet, we don't have a tree, 

and I haven't done any of my shopping yet. I'm not humming carols, I'm not killing Chicken's yet, I'm not bullying other people 

into enjoying the season.

Maybe it's because I'm tired. I feel as though I've spent the entire year running, filling every spare moment of my time. 

I have been better about saying no sometimes, but my free time is still packed full. I keep telling myself it's only a few 

more weeks, and then things will calm down. But that never actually happens. I'm starting to realize that there is no calm. 

And I take a day off every now and then and spend the day in bed lounging. But that never-finished to do list keeps 

niggling in the back of my mind.

Maybe it's because I enjoyed Flexing so much. The day with my family at the parents' place was great, and Second 

Road trip was a lot of fun. We finally had lots of house parties and birthday celebrations (which I loved) and I got to 

spend a lot of time with my nephews and nieces(my lil soldiers), which is something I love. Goodness knows I have so

 much to be thankful for, and that I remember it every day.

Maybe it's because things with Pinky,Joanna,Blossom etc,still aren't great. I talked to them in October and told them what I need,

 want, and won't compromise on in the future (marriage, children, and a fair division of housework). I told one she has a whole 

year to figure out what her goals are (for us and in general), and then we can discuss whether those are compatible or not. 

But I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that she is going to decide she's not prepared to discuss marriage and 

children as a definite (i'm not saying we need to be married in a year or anything, but i need to know that she is okay with it 

and it will happen. same with kids. i am by no means ready yet, but when i am, i don't want to find out that she can't stand the 

thought of having children). It feels like I'm spending the next several months trying not to say goodbye, which isn't fair to them girls.

 they all have plenty of time to do some soul-searching, and they may yet surprise me. I am certainly hoping they will.

So I don't know if any one of these things, or a combination of all of them is keeping me from getting in to Christmas this year. 

But really, if we were to skip it all together this year, I'd be okay with it. I'm really hoping that I'll get into the groove next week, 

when we get a tree, finish the decorating (we'll start this week) and I do the Calabar Carnival shopping. We'll see. Here's hoping 

that you're ready and waiting for Christmas morning, with better spirits than I can scrape up.

Sign by Bills.